Response to comment posted re my June 12 posting on chosson and kallah classes

If you look at the 6/12/09 posting, you'll see a comment I just published from "anonymous" railing against the lack of God in this discussion.

Some comments in response to his/her remarks:

First of all, I LOVE that some people are getting so upset by what I'm writing.

Second, this writer is clearly very angry. S/he makes some good points about halacha and what God does or doesn't owe me. I don't disagree with anything s/he says. However, I can tell you all - with 100% certainty - that chosson and kallah classes are being taught incorrectly. The one specific point s/he argues is that oral sex on a woman is allowed. I'm not arguing that it's not. I'm saying that it's being TAUGHT that act is not allowed.

That is the entire point of this blog: to bring to light and discuss the sexual issues facing the orthodox community. It's not about what halacha in fact says or doesn't say. It's about how to make marriages work so people don't feel like they have to resort to dating sites, etc. (As an aside, I think most rabbis are fairly ignorant about halacha. Anyone at all can assur something.)

One final point. The anonymous poster calls me a "dude." Who says I'm a man?

Does absence make the heart grow fonder?

It's been way too long since my last post; I'm sorry for that. As it turns out, I've become very busy with other things. No excuse, but it is what it is.

The gap in posting makes me think of yet another issue that strikes at the heart of Jewish married sex: what to do during niddah. Although I've never done any real research on the topic, if I had to guess, I'd say most frum couples have a problem with no sex for two weeks. Because, what that means is that for two weeks he's not cumming - assuming he's not masturbating. I assume most women can handle the break...

My relationship has lots of masturbation in it. We talk about it, observe one another while doing it. We both know it's incredibly helpful.

I'm curious: what do you do during niddah? How do you observe it and for how long?

And there's your problem, right there.

Just saw this on Jewishatheist, and was so happy to see it because it speaks directly to what we're talking about!

Talking Dirty - The Best Safe Sex There Is!

My spouse and I are discovering "dirty talking." Without fail, it gets our hearts racing, penis hard like steel and vagina impossibly slick and willing.

I love it so much, I want to share some of the lines we whisper to one another. See if you can guess which spouse said what. Why not share your favorite sex lines with the class?

"I want to feel your penis explode inside me."

"Make me overflow with your hot, hard cum."

"I'm going to tie you down and fuck every orifice."

"You're my sex toy."

"Let me slide my tongue into your ass."

"Fuck my face."

"Cum on my ass."

"Your cock is too big for me."

"It's so hard, I'm going to cum immediately."

"Looking at your face makes me want to cum right now."

"Touch me."

"Don't say another word and fuck me."

Now THAT's something to discuss in kallah classes! Excuse me while I go - uh - do what I need to do. :)

Sex is Learned

I remember a joke from my childhood about a frum couple that was completely inexperienced sexually. The wedding night, both bride and groom were told to call their mothers to help talk them through it. I don't remember the exact details, but the groom's mother said to put the hardest part of his body where she pees and the bride calls her mother, crying that her husband put his head in the toilet.

While I didn't convey it well here, the story serves us well. Sex has to be learned. Granted, in many ways sex is innate, but if left completely to men, one might say it would likely be more akin to rape. Wham, bam and roll over and go to sleep. Similarly, some might say that, if left to some women, it would be all romance and preparation.

That's silly. Everyone is different and the most important part of sexual exploration is discovering what kind of a sexual being your partner is and what kind of a partner he or she wants. I know some women who "think like men" and some men who love to spend time romancing their wives, almost neglecting the actual sexual gratification.

The point is, spend a lot of time talking about sex with your spouse.

Women, ask him if he enjoyed it when you stroked him. Encourage him to teach you how to do it better. Maybe ask to watch him masturbate so you see how he likes his penis handled. If you've gone down on him, ask for feedback.

Men, be mindful of your wives and how they react to various types of touch. Ask her if you performed well orally and if she prefers penetration or licking.

Don't be shy. The privacy of your bedroom is exactly the place to shed inhibition and explore without fear of shame or ridicule.

I feel better already!

Preparing for Sex

Last time, I began to address what I see as a major failure within the frum community regarding preparing young couples for sex.

Also, I mentioned that our rabbis place great emphasis on sex for procreation and not nearly enough on recreation.

Boy, did I hear about it on both fronts, so allow me to clarify. Or at least try to.

Yes, I understand that according to halacha, sex is supposed to be enjoyable and that orgasms for both are to be pursued to the nth degree. However, if you look at what is being taught to young women (and in some cases, men), there isn't nearly enough information being given on how to please yourself and your partner. There's plenty of time spent on colors of stains, counting days and thorough self-inspection of a woman's vagina.

But how much time is spent talking candidly with young men and women about the emotional aspects of sex? How much time is devoted to encouraging young couples to explore, within their own homes, what works and what doesn't? How much time is being spent teaching brides and grooms that they have to trust one another and not be ashamed to voice their desires?

That's what I meant about procreation/recreation.

I talk to my friends about sex or, I should say, they talk to me (which is one of the reasons I am remaining anonymous). It is depressing the number of sexless marriages that exist. He doesn't take her needs and desires into account. She withholds sex regularly. He refuses to go down on her yet expects her to eagerly swallow. She wants him to caress and hold her, but she lays in bed, practically immobile when he enters her.

Good lovers aren't born. They are taught. No, we don't need to show our young couples porn - that isn't really sex, anyway - but we do need to have a more candid conversation.

Seems like this topic - sort of - is starting to get out there a bit more...

I've been doing lots of surfing lately, trying to see who's saying what about Jews and sex. Check out this handy list of blogs. Read them; they're illuminating.

But, it should be noted, most of these bloggers seem to be using their blogs as outlets for their frustration. I think that it's good to talk about what you're feeling, but ask yourself this: why are so many people so frustrated?