Friday, June 19, 2009

Preparing for Sex

Last time, I began to address what I see as a major failure within the frum community regarding preparing young couples for sex.

Also, I mentioned that our rabbis place great emphasis on sex for procreation and not nearly enough on recreation.

Boy, did I hear about it on both fronts, so allow me to clarify. Or at least try to.

Yes, I understand that according to halacha, sex is supposed to be enjoyable and that orgasms for both are to be pursued to the nth degree. However, if you look at what is being taught to young women (and in some cases, men), there isn't nearly enough information being given on how to please yourself and your partner. There's plenty of time spent on colors of stains, counting days and thorough self-inspection of a woman's vagina.

But how much time is spent talking candidly with young men and women about the emotional aspects of sex? How much time is devoted to encouraging young couples to explore, within their own homes, what works and what doesn't? How much time is being spent teaching brides and grooms that they have to trust one another and not be ashamed to voice their desires?

That's what I meant about procreation/recreation.

I talk to my friends about sex or, I should say, they talk to me (which is one of the reasons I am remaining anonymous). It is depressing the number of sexless marriages that exist. He doesn't take her needs and desires into account. She withholds sex regularly. He refuses to go down on her yet expects her to eagerly swallow. She wants him to caress and hold her, but she lays in bed, practically immobile when he enters her.

Good lovers aren't born. They are taught. No, we don't need to show our young couples porn - that isn't really sex, anyway - but we do need to have a more candid conversation.

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