Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Why so many divorces?

Close friends of mine are getting divorced. Another couple with whom we are close ought to, as well. I've also just learned of other divorces coming down the pike in our community, and friends in other communities are telling me of laundry lists of couples on the verge of breakup.

And, these aren't all 20-somethings who got married because they were horny. These are couples with kids. Couples who are "leaders" in their communities. Some have been honored by shuls, schools and other organizations.

What's the common denominator? As far as I can tell, it's all about sex. In every instance I know of, it's either a cheating spouse, two cheating spouses, or sexless marriages.

If you don't agree with me that there's a problem in the frum community, you need to get your head out of your butt.

What can we do about it?

As I've said before, it's about education. I think the frum establishment is doing a horrific job of teaching young adults about sex. Part and parcel of every pre-marriage class ought to be a detailed discussion about what makes for a fulfilling, sexual relationship - and I don't mean Talmudic platitudes of a woman's beauty being hidden, when not to touch, and how to properly avoid being sexual in any way. Here are some proposed topics of discussion:

- Body parts - proper names and why it's OK to say them.
- Sex in Jewish history - Some of our greatest leaders were major horn-dogs.
- Sex goes into the closet - The Victorian influence on Jewish sexuality today.
- The female orgasm - Priority, not afterthought.
- Spilling seed - A review of all opinions.
- Mutual obligations of husbands and wives.
- Men: Foreplay begins in the morning.
- Women: Just because he cums, it doesn't mean you've rocked his world.

These are just some topics that come to mind.

Think of how many marriages would be better off if husbands and wives were on the same page...


  1. B"H

    I would like to add a few--for example:

    1) Niddah doesn't mean you stop talking to her: the importance of friendship in a marriage.

    2) Mikvah ladies are not buying a horse! When they have crossed the line, your right to say so, and who you should speak to about it.

    3) Abuse--what it is and where to get help if it happens to you.

    4) Oral sex--what can and can't be done and why.

    5) Men do and women say: how displays of love may differ between men and women (or: When he picks up his socks, it really means he loves you!)