My friends' marriages are falling apart

I wish they would read this blog!

I don't know for sure what's going on, but so many of my friends and neighbors all seem to be getting divorced now. And if they aren't, they should be, because they're so miserable.

"Common knowledge" is that men are the cause for most troubled marriages. (See Boteach's book on "Kosher Affairs.") I couldn't disagree more! I think that in most cases, it's 50-50. Women need to put out more and men need to be more understanding. When my husband wants sex, but I don't, he'll sometimes ask for "2 minutes." That means he gets two minutes to get me in the mood. Usually he'll go down on me or otherwise stimulate me and - wouldn't you know it? - it usually works. Sometimes, he's sneaky and offers me a massage, which usually leads to him fingering me and, even if we don't have intercourse, we each have at least one orgasm. :)

Now, not all marriage problems are caused by sex, but I firmly believe that if sex is addressed, mostly everything else falls into place. When sexual needs are being met (on BOTH sides) you can feel more like a team because you both know that, at the end of the day, you are "there" for each other.

Sex with the Rabbi

Rabbi Haskel Lookstein ought to be praised by every Jewish leader. He is doing what just about everyone else fails to do: he addresses sex-ed head-on, with exactly the people who need to hear it.

Recently profiled in The New York Times, Lookstein, who is the head of the Ramaz school, teaches an 18-class course of sex-ed to high school sophomores.

I'm curious to know how these kids do later on in life, in terms of marriage stability.

Making time to "make it"

Just saw a post by my new friend Shuli. She's 100% correct. You MUST make time for sex, no matter what.

The dishes and laundry aren't going anywhere!

Sex before marriage

I just saw this question.

On one foot, I'd say premarital sex is a good thing, even in the frum community. This is, of course, only assuming both parties are being responsible about it, are willing participants and using condoms (at least).

Here's one reason. I just read about a young man who apparently committed suicide the day after he got married. The man had issues stemming from sexual abuse as a teenager. While it's not reported, I'd have to guess he couldn't touch her on their wedding night, which lead to all kinds of problems. Perhaps - maybe - had they engaged in some physical contact prior to the wedding, they would have been able to talk it out.

Not exactly married sex...

But I think this worth some commentary.

It seems an over-sexed freshman girl at the Frisch School in Paramus, NJ, pleasured more than one boy with blowjobs. Now, teens engaging in oral sex is not unusual. In many ways, it's expected, especially among the "orthodox" who have it drilled into them that premarital sex is forbidden, that teens will engage in oral sex. (I did and, frankly, I enjoyed pleasing my boyfriend that way...) However, what our heroin did was go down on guys in the school, in the stairwell where there were security cameras.

I haven't seen the images, but I'm sure if I tried a bit harder I could find them.

For those of you who don't know, Frisch is a leading school, both in terms of academics and within the Jewish community. It is a forward-thinking establishment whose graduates go on to prestigious academic institutions.

It seems the school's response has been minimal. The principal talked to all the students about teenagers having "urges" and the need to control them. However, I wonder what the real impact will be on these kids when they grow up and decide it's time to get married.

If you look back at past postings, you'll see that I often rail against the lack of sex ed for orthodox kids who are about to get married. Have no clue what they're getting into emotionally and sexually. Here, clearly, is one girl who lacks no sex ed. Granted, self-esteem and self-worth are a bit low. (I don't for a second buy the argument that she gave head to these boys because she really wanted to. She either (1) is rebelling against her parents or (2) desperately wants to be cool.)

Seems to me the faculty at Frisch ought to spend some time on teaching kids what it means to honor oneself. Look, engaging in oral sex can be lots of fun for the teen set. What I'm opposed to is girls debasing themselves and blowing multiple guys - in publis - and perhaps in succession!

My prediction for Blowjob Girl is: she will be hugely popular until she swallows the wrong guy's load.

Read this. Now.

I was so happy to see this, I almost cried.

Why so many divorces?

Close friends of mine are getting divorced. Another couple with whom we are close ought to, as well. I've also just learned of other divorces coming down the pike in our community, and friends in other communities are telling me of laundry lists of couples on the verge of breakup.

And, these aren't all 20-somethings who got married because they were horny. These are couples with kids. Couples who are "leaders" in their communities. Some have been honored by shuls, schools and other organizations.

What's the common denominator? As far as I can tell, it's all about sex. In every instance I know of, it's either a cheating spouse, two cheating spouses, or sexless marriages.

If you don't agree with me that there's a problem in the frum community, you need to get your head out of your butt.

What can we do about it?

As I've said before, it's about education. I think the frum establishment is doing a horrific job of teaching young adults about sex. Part and parcel of every pre-marriage class ought to be a detailed discussion about what makes for a fulfilling, sexual relationship - and I don't mean Talmudic platitudes of a woman's beauty being hidden, when not to touch, and how to properly avoid being sexual in any way. Here are some proposed topics of discussion:

- Body parts - proper names and why it's OK to say them.
- Sex in Jewish history - Some of our greatest leaders were major horn-dogs.
- Sex goes into the closet - The Victorian influence on Jewish sexuality today.
- The female orgasm - Priority, not afterthought.
- Spilling seed - A review of all opinions.
- Mutual obligations of husbands and wives.
- Men: Foreplay begins in the morning.
- Women: Just because he cums, it doesn't mean you've rocked his world.

These are just some topics that come to mind.

Think of how many marriages would be better off if husbands and wives were on the same page...

I'm coming out...a bit

When I started this blog, I thought I'd be able to be vague enough all the time and even cover up my gender. I can't anymore; it's exhausting.

I'm a woman. I'm in my 30s and I live in suburbia, but in a "nice" Jewish community. I grew up frum and most of my friends would classify themselves as frum. The point is, I know what I'm talking about on the subject of sex in the frum community and the mores that surround the issue.

My husband knows I write this and, in many ways, it's made our sex life even better.

There. That feels better. :)

Does absence make the heart grow fonder?

It's been way too long since my last post; I'm sorry for that. As it turns out, I've become very busy with other things. No excuse, but it is what it is.

The gap in posting makes me think of yet another issue that strikes at the heart of Jewish married sex: what to do during niddah. Although I've never done any real research on the topic, if I had to guess, I'd say most frum couples have a problem with no sex for two weeks. Because, what that means is that for two weeks he's not cumming - assuming he's not masturbating. I assume most women can handle the break...

My relationship has lots of masturbation in it. We talk about it, observe one another while doing it. We both know it's incredibly helpful.

I'm curious: what do you do during niddah? How do you observe it and for how long?

Preparing for Sex

Last time, I began to address what I see as a major failure within the frum community regarding preparing young couples for sex.

Also, I mentioned that our rabbis place great emphasis on sex for procreation and not nearly enough on recreation.

Boy, did I hear about it on both fronts, so allow me to clarify. Or at least try to.

Yes, I understand that according to halacha, sex is supposed to be enjoyable and that orgasms for both are to be pursued to the nth degree. However, if you look at what is being taught to young women (and in some cases, men), there isn't nearly enough information being given on how to please yourself and your partner. There's plenty of time spent on colors of stains, counting days and thorough self-inspection of a woman's vagina.

But how much time is spent talking candidly with young men and women about the emotional aspects of sex? How much time is devoted to encouraging young couples to explore, within their own homes, what works and what doesn't? How much time is being spent teaching brides and grooms that they have to trust one another and not be ashamed to voice their desires?

That's what I meant about procreation/recreation.

I talk to my friends about sex or, I should say, they talk to me (which is one of the reasons I am remaining anonymous). It is depressing the number of sexless marriages that exist. He doesn't take her needs and desires into account. She withholds sex regularly. He refuses to go down on her yet expects her to eagerly swallow. She wants him to caress and hold her, but she lays in bed, practically immobile when he enters her.

Good lovers aren't born. They are taught. No, we don't need to show our young couples porn - that isn't really sex, anyway - but we do need to have a more candid conversation.

Seems like this topic - sort of - is starting to get out there a bit more...

I've been doing lots of surfing lately, trying to see who's saying what about Jews and sex. Check out this handy list of blogs. Read them; they're illuminating.

But, it should be noted, most of these bloggers seem to be using their blogs as outlets for their frustration. I think that it's good to talk about what you're feeling, but ask yourself this: why are so many people so frustrated?

Proper "Chosson and Kallah Classes"

Many young women, once they are engaged, usually go to a "kallah" class where they're supposed to learn the various halachos of niddah. Depending on who's teaching the class, the young women may also learn other tidbits such as which sex positions are allowed ("missionary"), acts that aren't (oral sex, male masturbation), and even what to think at the moment the man ejaculates.

How about enjoying yourself?

Unfortunately, the view of sex within the frum community has become rediculous and untenable. Sex needs to be taught and young couples need to understand that sexuality must be explored, together with a willing partner. How anyone can mandate what happens in the privacy of a couple's home is ludicrous. There is no "spilled seed" within a married couple's bedroom. Ther ought to be nothing off-limits.

Our rabbis teach us that sex is primarily for procreation. Why don't they also teach that sex is great recreation? Granted, Judaism places great emphasis on raising families - as it should. However, I maintain that many a failed marriage would have been altogther more successful had the newlyweds been granted "permission" to explore their sexuality together. I am willing to bet any amount that the vast majority of divorces take place because of sexual incompatibility. One partner wants to try something and the other is afraid to perpetrate an avairah. I say, as long as nobody gets hurt, why not?

If you don't think sex is a major issue, take a look at Craigslist or Shaindy.com. Otherwise frum Jews are starting to find ways to help themselves. If our rabbis don't step up to the challenge, the future won't be so bright.

The radical separation of the sexes

Everyone knows the joke about the yeshiva student who goes to his rabbi and asks about various sex positions. They're all OK, said the rabbi, except having sex while standing; it may lead to mixed dancing.

If you take a step back and look at the evolution of Judaism over the past two generations, it becomes strikingly clear that the separation of men and women has taken on a life of its own. Yes, "fences" are a good thing, but not when they create depravity.

We all know that by nature we want that which is forbidden. Does that mean good Jewish boys and girls ought to be allowed to see, hear and experience anything they want? Absolutely not. But, the insane, fundamentalist approach of keeping the sexes separated makes no sense.

These days, every simcha is separate seating. If not at a simcha, where should single Jews mingle? Is there a better environment? I think not.

We've gotten into this mess because of the not-so-gradual shift to the right of mainstream Judaism. It's a result of several factors: wealth, overindulgent parents and insane rabbis. (The great rabbis of yesterday all had academic degrees - some more than one! - and all encouraged their talmidim to get "real" jobs. It was only a select few who sat and learned. These days, everyone is a "top learner at Lakewood." But that's off-topic for here.)

These days, we all look over our shoulders and worry about out-frumming our neighbor. What does that mean? Among other things, it means we say to our girls and boys, "You can't play with one another. You can't talk to one another. You can't even LOOK at one another."

What do our children hear? "Because he's off-limits, I'm going to sneak out to see him."

I read an article once that claimed the Jewish community is no different than society in general. We have adultery, divorce, sexual abuse and incest at pretty much the same levels as everywhere else in America. We're just talking about it more. I'm not sure I buy that. I think - and I've conducted no research to back this up - that it's happening more in the frum community today because people don't know what to do with their feelings. Grown men - rabbis - feel it necessary to fondle their students. Upstanding members of the community seek sexual release with prostitutes . Divorce is gaining popularity because neighbors can't keep their hands off one another.

I think we - the Jewish community - have unrealistic expectations. It's time to change how we think.

Why "Sex and the Married Jew?"

We're in the middle of a crisis and I want to do something about it.

Jewish marriages are failing. Otherwise Orthodox people are engaging in behavior that is usually viewed with disdain.

It's time for some new thinking on the role sex plays in the lives of Jews and I don't think Shmuley's getting it completely right.

Of course, I need to remain anonymous because many of my observations of real-life situations will be played out here and we can't go upsetting the apple cart, can we? (Take that as a hint to the salaciousness you'll read of herein.)

My goal is to post about once a week and, of course, comments are welcome.